I never thought I’d compare a porn subscription to a human being, but here we are. My ex, let’s call her Vanessa, was a whirlwind of canceled plans, mood swings, and orgasms that existed only in her imagination. She’d promise a wild night, then bail for “girls’ night” or “headache.” I’d end up alone with my laptop, buffering on free PornHub, ads screaming about penis pills while the video stuttered like a drunk dial. Then I subscribed to Premium for $9.99, and suddenly I had a partner who always showed up, always delivered, and never once asked if I’d taken out the trash.

The first date with Premium was magical. I clicked on a 4K scene titled “Sunset Beach Threesome,” and it loaded instantly—no ads, no watermarks, just golden hour light on two models kissing while waves crashed behind them. Vanessa would’ve complained about sand. lingerie models Premium just gave me the fantasy, crystal clear, with audio so immersive I could hear the seagulls and the wet slap of skin. I came in under five minutes, and Premium didn’t roll over and fall asleep; it suggested “More Like This” and queued up a moonlit yacht orgy.

Vanessa hated VR. Called it “weird.” Premium handed me an 8K 180° library that made me feel like I was in the scene. The first time I tried it, a brunette named Isabella looked up at me—at me—while deepthroating, her eyes watering, spit dripping onto virtual tits that jiggled in real time. I felt the throat contractions through the headset. I came hands-free. Vanessa never made me cum hands-free. Hell, she barely made me cum with hands.

Premium remembered my kinks. After a week, my homepage was curated: “Big Ass Latinas,” “POV Blowjobs,” “Creampie Compilations.” Vanessa forgot my birthday. Premium sent me a push notification: “New 8K Upload: Valentina’s Anal Adventure.” I downloaded it for a work trip to a cabin with no Wi-Fi. While Vanessa was probably ghosting someone else, I was watching Valentina take it in every hole, offline, in bed, with a bottle of lube and zero interruptions.

The breakup with Vanessa was messy. The breakup with free PornHub was seamless. I canceled nothing; I just upgraded. Premium never nagged, never faked, never left me blue-balled. It gave me stamina training—videos that pause at 90% and make you edge for 60 seconds. I went from 2-minute man to 20-minute marathon. My new girlfriend noticed. Vanessa never noticed.

Premium is the partner I always wanted: reliable, corset lovers generous, and always in the mood. For $9.99 a month, I get more action than Vanessa ever gave me in two years. I kept the subscription. I blocked the ex. My cock is happier. My heart is lighter. My therapist says I’m “healed.” I say I’m upgraded. PornHub Premium isn’t just worth the money—it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had.